


Begin Anew

by bjfic_archivist



Category: Queer as Folk (US)
Genre: Angst, Canon, Episode Related, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Points of View, Season/Series 02, Work In Progress
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2007-06-02
Updated: 2007-06-10
Packaged: 2018-12-26 23:19:34
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 11,608
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12069006
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bjfic_archivist/pseuds/bjfic_archivist
Summary: The aftermath of the 219 kiss is shocking for all. Will Brian and Justin surive the pain? Can they find their way through the darkness caused by their pain? FYI: No beautiful men were killed in the making of this story.





	1. The Begining or The End

**Author's Note:**

> Note from IrishCaelan, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Brian_Justin_Fanfiction_Archive). To preserve the archive, I began importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in September 2017. I posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/bjfic/profile).

  
Author's notes: Ok I have to say thanks to my beta Lois and that I hope you like it.  


* * *

Justin

I lay on the floor, my heart rate and heaving chest slowing down and all I can hear is his words echoing over and over in my head. "Take a shower, you stink. Take a shower, you stink. Take a shower, you stink." It just runs like a mantra through my head and all I want to do is make it stop. To not know that it is finally over, that finally Brian does not only not love me but now he hates me. 

And with these thoughts and the words still ringing in my ears, I also feel as though something inside me died. Truth be told, it had been dying for a very long time but now it is finally dead and I actually feel something akin to relief flow through me. I realize the pain I've been in for so long will stop soon and that I will be the one to save myself this time. 

It won't be Brian to save the weak little faggot or Debbie saving Sunshine from his life, or even Lindsay and Melanie saving the little Justin from Big Bad Brian. No this time I will save myself with no help from anyone else. I wonder if I should write letters but who would care. The guys all wish I had died and I wish it too, although they don't know that. I wish Hobbs had hit me harder, that he had finished the job because at least then I wouldn't know what they think of me. 

Well, I know what my dad thinks of me, he never even visited me in the hospital so I know he wishes I had died. And of course, neither did Brian so he must wish I had too. Michael has made it clear from the moment he laid eyes on me that he wishes I was dead. Maybe Brian has thought that too since then, but I was just too stupid to notice it. 

As for Ted, I've never been sure how he feels about me but he is in love with Michael, not that he'd ever admit it. Shit, I actually think they all know it but are not willing to move it out into the open. Lot of fucking good that does them, if they never talk about things, they'll never get over them and move on. But what the fuck do I know! I used to think these people were my family and I didn't even realize they all hated me. Well, that's not really true, the guys hate me and the girls pity me but I almost think it's better to be hated than to be pitied. 

Well again, that's not true, because Emmett doesn't seem to hate me but he's a lot like a girl anyway, so he must pity me too. That is what all the girls feel for me. Lindsay, Melanie, Debbie, and even mom. And where as I'm sure that Molly doesn't pity me, at least as of yet, she doesn't like me at all. 

So I guess there is no need of letters, they'll all be glad or at least relieved when I'm gone. The only person that loves me is Gus and that's only because he does not know what a worthless weak dirty little faggot I am. But he can't read so there is no use writing him a letter and he is young so he'll forget me in no time. So it's a good thing I'll be gone now before he has a chance to get any older and learn that I'm not worth loving.

I slowly get up off the floor needing that shower he demanded I take, because even though I know it will not make me really clean, I do need a place to think and figure out how I'm gonna do it. I can't keep lying here because I can feel his eyes on me and it won't be long before he loses his patience at me not doing as he told me.

Brian

I can't believe that it has come to this, but I knew I had to tell him I knew what he was doing. Mikey made sure that I could no longer ignore what in my heart I knew was going on. The love of my life, the only person I have ever loved, was cheating on me. I knew it would happen, that's why I didn't want to get into a relationship, I knew I wasn't enough. Hell, my parents didn't even love me and they told me more times than I could count that I wasn't wanted, that I should never have been born and that no one would ever love me. But no, I had to let this beautiful boy make me forget that and because of that, I got it proved to me again. I'm not enough, no one will ever really love me because I'm worthless. God, I haven't felt this bad in years; time to start rebuilding the walls that he had knocked down. I guess it's a good thing I hadn't given up all of my walls like he had wanted because then I would never have been able to go on after this.

I wonder though if that would have changed anything or if the end would have been the same. If it would have mattered if I had just been able to open up to him more, would he have been with me or would it not have mattered and he would still be seeing this other guy. I wonder what this other guy has that I don't, what makes him better than me. Because I know that he is not hotter than me so what is it that he can give to Justin that I can't.

I think that maybe I could keep him if I just said the words he has always been waiting to hear, if I just said "I love you" but I won't and not because I don't, because god I do I love him so much it hurts. But I can't say the words, I can't let him know how much power over me he has. I also know how it would be accepted by everyone, badly. Mikey would lose his mind and never let up and everyone else would spend their time laughing at me behind my back. Not only our friends, but all of Liberty Ave. will laugh at the stud for being so weak.

God, I can't believe he is still laying there on the spot I left him. I know I stunned him with the words I said and the fact that I made it very clear that I knew what he was doing, but he hasn't moved an inch since I said those words to him. "Take a shower, you stink." Harsh; but that's the way I am. No dancing around the truth and no showing my emotions because if I do, it might not stop. I might just start screaming and not be able to stop ….. or crying.

I'm watching him now. Waiting for him to move to do as I demanded but unable to get mad that he is not complying because as I start to watch, I notice the emotions flying a crossed his face. Most are actually unreadable, a talent he had picked up lately but the ones I can read are scary. There is a hopelessness that I wasn't even aware he could feel there on his face for the world to see.

Even right after the thing with Chris 'fucking psycho' Hobbs, I call it that even to myself because I don't wanna say that word, he was not hopeless. He had felt scared, terrified even, and lost but not this hopelessness.

I wonder what's different about this moment, I know something is. I feel my panic rise every second he lays there on the floor but I really don't know what it is. Maybe it is just the fact that this is the end of us and if I were to admit the truth, I don't want him to go.

When he leaves, as I am sure he will, I will be all alone. Before Justin, that would never have bothered me, hell I craved the silence and the peace of mind being alone gave me but now I know that the loft will seem endless without him.

God Justin, make the right choice; don't leave me here all alone.

He is finally moving, getting slowly off the floor and heading to the bathroom without a glance in my direction and still the look on his face is weird and unreadable. I wonder if I should say something, ask what he is thinking. God, I sound like a muncher, there is no way I am asking that.

Justin 

I slowly make my way to the bathroom without looking at Brian, he is still just sitting there watching me and I silently say 'don't worry Brian, after my shower, your problems from the trick that wouldn't leave will be over.'

I don't know how I will do it but it will be today, within hours. I just have to pack up my stuff and get rid of it, cleansing myself from Brian's life.

I walk into the shower as I am thinking this and turn the shower on only hot water, even Brian doesn't use it at full hot because the water in the loft gets really hot. Since I have lived here, he has had to take showers cooler than he would by himself because my skin is so fair it burns so easily.

As the water hits my skin, I stiffen myself and arch my head back to keep from crying out at the burning pain. As soon as I control the need to scream, I look down at my body and watch as it turns redder and redder. I grab the loufa that was used to scrub our back and scrap it over my fiery skin in hopes that I will actually feel clean once again.

After about twenty minutes and no luck feeling better, I turn the water off and watch as blood leaks down my body from the scratches that now cover my entire body.

When I get out of the shower, I grab a towel and dry off, the pain from my abused skin screaming through me to the point where I have to stop for minute when I go weak in the knees. As I walk in front of the mirror I realize my mistake; not only is every inch of my body deep red, scratched, and bleeding, but also every inch of my face as well.

Shit, there is no way I can hid this from Brian; what the hell am I going to do? I still have to pack my things and get out of here without him realizing what I am planning, but if he sees what I did to myself, he is never going to let me leave. 

'Fuck,' I am screaming in my head, 'I can't believe I was so stupid.' 

I pull my clothes on over my extremely tender body as I am trying to figure out what to do. 

Brian

God, I am so pathetic, I can't believe I have just been sitting here staring at Justin for what is like an hour. For the first twenty minutes or so, at least he was actually in my line of sight to the stairs, at but ever since he went into the bathroom, I have just been staring at the door. Like I said, I am pathetic.

As the time he is in the bathroom passed, I wanted nothing more than to join him in the shower but I have a feeling I would not be welcomed. Then as time went on, I was starting to worry even more, I don't really understand what I am worried about but I just know I am.

I would like to think that what I am worried about is him leaving and maybe that is all that it is, but for some reason I doubt that. The clenching worry in my gut gets bigger as the steam swirled out from under the bathroom door. Justin skin is so sensitive that the slightest heat turned it a tender pink and this was a lot of steam.

I launch myself off the bed to go to the bathroom door and tell him to get out but before I even reach the door, the shower turns off and I sigh in relief. 

I know that he has made his skin tender in the shower and I wonder why he would do that. Why he would hurt himself even in such a minor way.

After another ten minutes waiting and thinking about why he would do so what I am sure he just did, it dawns on me. He is being a drama princess, he figures he will come out of there and his skin will be that light shade of pink it used to get when I didn't quite know the right temperature for his skin and I will feel sorry for telling him he needed a shower.

Well, there is no way I am going to be suckered into a drama princess moment. Fuck that, I am out of here. I will come back when he is done being a fucking twat. I get up and go to the door to give him a piece of my mind even though something inside me is telling me not to leave.

I get to the bathroom door and listen to see if I can hear what he is doing but when no sound reaches my ears and I realize he is in there but not doing anything, my resolve to leave him to his own devices strengthens.

"Fuck Justin, I don't know what the hell you're trying to pull but I am not playing games with you. I am going to Babylon and when I get back, you had better have figured it out because I am so tired of your shit."

I stand there waiting for an answer or at least acknowledgment that he heard me.

Justin

As I am trying to come up with what to do, Brian solves my problem for me by yelling through the door that he is going to Babylon. 

Humm, Babylon, why am I not surprised. Oh well, I won't have to deal with that any longer and he won't have to deal with me either.

I don't answer him because really, what do I have to say. I mean, what do I say at a moment like this. Do I tell him how much I love him and I will do anything to make him happy, even die? 

I know what I want to say, the things I want to tell him don't mean a thing as I hear him walk away from the bathroom and slide open the closet. I know he is getting ready to fuck some stranger, hell probably more than one, and again I am glad I made the choice I did.

It only takes Brian about ten minutes to dress, which has to be some kind of record and he calls out to me as he is leaving, when all I want is for him to go so I can get this over.

Brian

God mother fucking damn little fucking twat. I know the fucker hears me getting ready to leave and still he makes no sound. I throw on the first thing that I see because all that I want to do is get away from here and well, I could put a bag on and still be the hottest guy around.

Fine, if he wants to act like this, fuck him. I hope he fucking gets a clue while I am gone, cause he is pissing me the fuck off.

"You better fucking grow the fuck up while I am gone Justin."

I scream these words to him a second before I slam the loft door and head out to Babylon and hopefully to get him out of my head.

Justin

I give Brian a few minutes after he slams the door, in hopes that he won't come back and then I exit the bathroom, moving slowly and painfully as my clothes rub my raw skin.

I get everything packed up as quickly as possible, not only because I want to get it over with but because I am afraid I won't be able to stand the pain for too long. Thankfully, I don't actually have that much stuff and the way I am just haphazardly throwing everything into trash bags, packing only takes me about a half an hour.

I laugh out loud at that, a dry humorless sound even to my own ears. It took me nearly a year to get let into Brian's life, even the little he actually let me in and it only took me a half an hour to wipe myself from it.

I set the trash bags with my stuff in it and my book bag next to the door and then I take another twenty minutes going over the entire loft, making sure I got every little thing and also saying goodbye to the memories of my time here.

When I am done, I slowly go to the door. The pain in my body and the pain in my heart making each step harder and harder. I slide open the door to the loft and leave it open as I grab the bags and drag them across the floor to the garbage chute.

I find myself hesitating as I open the small door on the chute and wonder if I am doing the right thing, but then I remember how unhappy Brian is that I am in his life and my resolve strengthens. I shove everything I own down the hole and listen as it hits bottom.

After I am done, I quickly arm the alarm and lock up the loft door. As I step into the lift, I am assaulted by memories and I start begging it to hurry so I can get out of here.

When the lift stops, I quickly yank up the gate and jog up to Brian's mailbox. When I get to it, I spend what seems like an eternity switching my eyes from it to the keys I hold in my hand.

I know I have no other option to do this but still I hesitate. I know that this is the last moment, I can't go back after I do this because I won't be able to retrieve the keys from the mailbox.

Suddenly the front door opens and the shock of it the nearly takes me off my feet. My heart is pounding a mile a minute but then I see it is only the down stairs neighbor, and as we always do when we see each other, we exchange a polite, if impersonal, hello.

This unexpected shock breaks me out of my musings though and as soon as he is out of sight, I shove the keys into the mailbox and hurry out the door.

The minute I get out of the building, I hail I cab with the only thing I brought with me, the twenty bucks I had in my wallet. I didn't bring the wallet, that went into the trash with everything else but I did bring the money because it would have taken me too long to get where I was going on foot. 

Brian 

I arrive at Babylon and I am determined to forget a little blond twink and his drama princess actions…and his …cheating.

Cheating, because that was all it could be called, although I would love to be able to call it something else, but that is what he is doing. He is cheating on me. God, this is why I don't do this shit, I am surrounded by hundreds of beautiful half naked men and I am thinking about why I couldn't be enough for the only man I really want.

With this thought, a streak of determination shoots through me once again and I head to the bar for some liquid strength. After I down six shots in quick succession, I spot someone who I will use for a minute in hope of getting my mind off Justin and what is going on between us.

I stalk up to him and grab him by the belt, no preliminaries, no foreplay; right now I just need to forget. As I drag my very willing partner behind me, I stop at Anita and buy a couple bumps and some E because I know I will need it.

Time passes quickly as I go through trick after trick, drink after drink, and drug after drug and before I know it, it's time to go home. It is two thirty and I have to be home before three. I don't know why I am sticking to the rules since Justin hasn't but I can't break them, they are the only way I can show Justin how much I care. So even if he breaks them all, I will follow them all.

I stumble out of the club and try to figure out if I should try to drive home in my state when the world shifts and pain so intense that I fall to my knee rips through my chest. 'Oh god, I am having a heart attack.'

Justin

The ride in the cab is over before I know it and I am finally at my destination. I pay the driver and get out of the car. When he tries to hand me my change I tell him to keep it, a twenty for a ride that cost six fifty, he got a good tip but what do I need money for.

The cab drives away and I walk up to the bridge. Brian had shown me this place a couple weeks after we had first met and we have been back here a lot since then. This is a place when Brian goes to escape from everything for a while and it is a peaceful place; the silence only broken by the sound of the water rushing under the bridge.

I have always loved this place since the first time I saw it. It has always brought me a great deal of peace and that is why I chose it, because now it will give me even more peace.

As I climb onto the bridge, I mentally say goodbye to my family and friends, because even though I understand that they don't love me, hell, I even understand why, I do love them.

I get to the top, take one last look at the raging water beneath me, then take one last breath and I jump while saying goodbye to Brian in my head.


	2. Figuring It Out

  
Author's notes: I got this out as fast as I could, written and beta'd in two days for my inpatient fans. I hope you like it I will be starting on what should be the last chapter soon. Thanks as always too my beta Lois.  


* * *

Brian 

I feel someone's hands grabbing my arm and I hear a concerned, slightly familiar voice asking me if I'm alright.

"Are you ok, Kinney?"

I hear him, I understand his words but still I can't answer him over the tight clenching pain in my chest.

"Brian, do you need an ambulance?"

I know this voice talking to me but I cannot even look up to see who it is through the pain.

"Ok Brian, I am going to reach into your pants to get your cell phone."

The same voice tells me and then the owner of the voice leans down to search my pockets for my phone and through the haze caused by the drugs and pain, I see that the voice is coming from Todd, Babylon's number one bottom boy. 

Relief floods me when I see who it is because although I wouldn't call Todd and I friends, I know he will not use this lapse against me like a lot of the others around here.

I stop thinking about it as the pain wipes my mind clean of coherent thought once again and I see Todd fumbling to get my phone out of my skin tight pants. I know that I should help him, that it would be easier but I just can't find the strength to. I hear him speaking again and I try to concentrate on his words.

"Brian, I'm gonna call an ambulance now so if you don't want me to, you need to tell me now."

Do I want him to call an ambulance? I know somehow that my first thought of a heart attack is not true, but what is wrong with me? Do I need a hospital?

As I think this I decide I need to concentrate on not the pain, but what the pain is exactly. It is in my chest, a tight clenching pain that, wait I have felt this pain before. Never this strong but I have felt it before. Hell, I felt it earlier today when dealing with Justin and his drama princess moment and as that thought dawns on me, I realize I need to get to Justin, need to see if he is alright. Because although I don't know what is going on, I know somehow it is centered around my lover and the way we left things.

Once I came to this conclusion I again look up to Todd, only to see that he is already dialing for the ambulance he promised and I know I have to stop him.

"No."

That was as much as I could get out and even then, my voice while saying it, was ragged with the pain I'm in.

"Brian?"

I watched as Todd paused in his dialing to question me.

"No hospital."

I try to make my voice firm when I say this but I am pretty sure I failed, badly.

"Brian, are you sure? You seem like you're in a lot of pain. What if you're having a heart attack or something?"

Todd sounds really concerned but I know that I can't go to the hospital, if I do whatever is wrong, I will be too late to fix it. I know this, don't know how I know, I just know.

So, I struggle to get up and Todd quickly slams my phone closed and shoves it into his jacket pocket to help me get up. I am gritting my teeth through the pain but finally we get me to my feet.

As hard as it is for me to just get up, I know I will not be able to get to Justin by myself and I realize I am going to have to do what I promised myself I would never do, I am going to have to ask someone for help and it is not even going to be someone from the 'family'. This thought scares me but not enough to stop me because this isn't about me; something is wrong with Justin, I just know it.

As I stand there unsteady on my feet trying to control the pain so I can ask Todd to help me, he seems to read my need because he asks me.

"Is there anything I can do Brian? Any way I can help?"

I look at him gratefully and force the words out through tightly clenched lips.

"Yes, I need to get to the loft, to Justin."

"You sure? I mean I can call Justin while you're on the way to the hospital and have him meet you there."

"Yes, Justin now."

I know that my strength is quickly fading and the words are coming out even harder now but I have to get to Justin. I have to know he is alright. If he is fine then I will go to the hospital but somehow I know he won't be.

Todd slides his arm around my waist and helps me over to the Jeep but when we get there he stops and looks at it like he has never seen it before. I wonder what the fuck is going on in his head right now.

"What."

That is all I can manage to get out and I hope it is enough.

"Maybe we should take my car, you are in no condition to drive."

I know he is right about me driving and I am about ready to agree with him when another sharp pain shots through me, bending me completely over, only not sending me back to the ground because Todd is stronger than he looks and he keeps me on my feet.

For some reason this tells me that although Todd's idea sounded logical, we should take the Jeep anyway and when Todd has me straightened up and starts turning me, no doubt to bring me to his car, I know I have to stop him.

"No."

"No, what Brian? Have you decided you want to go to the hospital instead? Cause I think that is a great idea."

"No, let's use the Jeep. You drive."

If I wasn't in so much pain I am sure I would have laughed at the look of complete shock that covered Todd's face. I know why he feels that way, nobody gets to drive my Jeep. Hell, I even bitch about Mikey driving it when I am too drunk or high to get myself home. So the thought of someone else driving it must be very funny.

I watch Todd's face for something to concentrate on instead of the pain and I realize that the fact that I am letting him drive my Jeep is causing him to worry about me and my health even more; but I just know that it is the right decision although again, I don't know why I know it.

Soon we are both in the Jeep, me feeling very strange about being in the passenger side and Todd seems to be stuck between worried as hell that I am letting him drive and slightly pleased that he gets to drive it.

My brain isn't able to think much on the ride to the loft because of the pain but I find myself praying to whatever deity that I can think of, and several I am not even sure exist, that Justin is in the loft when I get back. I don't care if he is there in full tantrum mode as long as he is there and he is all right. But somewhere in my mind, a voice is telling me he is not only not there, but he is not alright.

Finally after what seems like hours due to the worry and pain, we arrive at my building and I do my best to get out of the Jeep quickly but end up having to grab onto the door and wait for Todd to come over and help me inside.

We ride the elevator up to my floor and all the while I'm keeping up my silent prayers while Todd looks at me with a worried frown. I know he is hoping that once we get to the loft, Justin will convince me to go to the hospital and I promise myself if he is I will go, if only to make him feel better.

I fumble to pull out my keys and when it takes me a minute, Todd knocks on the door and I mentally slap myself for ,no thinking about that but I know why I didn't. I didn't because I know he is not there. I continue to try and get the keys out of my pocket as Todd waits for Justin to answer the door. When he doesn't, I'm disappointed but not really surprised.

Finally I retrieve the keys and Todd gently takes them from me and unlocks the door as I lean against the wall trying to conserve what energy I have left.

Todd slides the door open and grabs me around the waist to help me into the loft and once we cross the threshold, my worst fears become a reality.

I don't feel Justin here at all and as I look around I don't see anything of his at all. I pull away from Todd and stumble my way up to our bedroom, somehow still hoping that the closet and dresser will reveal some of Justin's things.

When I find both empty, again I am disappointed but not surprised and immediately the questions start in my head.

'Did he leave me for that guy he was cheating on me with? Will I ever see him again? Why didn't he talk to me? Tell me he was leaving? What is it about me that makes me so impossible to love?'

As I am asking myself these questions, that voice in the back of my head speaks up again. Asking if this pain could possible be from him just leaving and I know the answer to that. I have known since the pain started it was because something bad was happening to Justin, not because he left me. Maybe the pain that would cause would be just as intense but this was a different pain. And the fear this pain carried was for Justin and not myself and I know if he were to leave me, I would fear for myself and how I was going to go on without him.

Not that I think I would kill myself because I know I wouldn't because I have Gus to worry about. But oh how I would wish to be dead.

I hear Todd come up behind me as I stand, swaying on my feet slightly, in front of the closet with Justin's half open as well as Justin's drawers in the dresser open and empty. A part of me is embarrassed that he sees this because I can tell by the look that crosses his face that he gets what is going on with the empty things, but mostly I'm just glad he is here because now I have to figure out where Justin is and go find him. I have to find him before it is too late for us, and maybe for him.

I now know I will have to tell Todd something because I need his help. I need to find Justin and I am in too much pain to go about this on my own. But for the life of me I can't figure out what it is that I should tell him. If I tell him I just know something is wrong, he will think I am fucking crazy. If I tell him the pain I am in has something to do with Justin, I'm sure he will be calling the men in the white suits to come and get me…or he will leave me here all alone and tell everyone how crazy and love sick the great 'stud' is.

I find myself opening and closing my mouth a couple of times trying to figure out exactly what to say to him but again, he seems to see something in my face because he asks about it.

"Brian, what is it? Is there something I can do?"

As I am about to open my mouth again to try and tell him, a knock sounds at the door. Hoping and praying it is Justin, I run to the door. Well, I try to run but the pain makes me feel like I am running a special Olympics race.

When I get to the door, I throw it open with all my might and I know my disappointment shows clearly on my face when I see that it is just my down stairs neighbor. I don't know what the hell this guy wants but I want him to leave right now. I don't think I have even said more than a dozen words to this guy the entire time I have lived here and I don't mean to start now.

"What."

He looks taken back by my snappy question but I have to hand it to him, he doesn't back down.

"Listen, I know this is none of my business,"

He pauses and I groan. I figure somehow he knows about what happened earlier between me and Justin and wants to put his two cents in and I am about to rip his head off but then it dawns on me. How would he know about it unless Justin told him and I get excited that maybe this guy knows where Justin is. I had better be nice.

"Ok?"

This seems to give him the courage to go on and I'm jumping up and down mentally.

"Well, I know it's none of my business and I understand getting into bad fights with your partner because believe me, my partner and I have had our fair share but it's wrong, not to mention illegal, to throw out all of his stuff."

At the end of his speech I stand there stunned, I know that I have a dumbfounded look on my face but I can't help it. When I don't say anything, he moves to go down the stairs with a sigh and a head shake at me and that breaks me out of it.

"What the fuck are you talking about?"

He turns back when I shout and his face registers, first surprise and then, confusion.

"Isn't your partner the artist? The guy who always carries around that backpack?"

"Yes."

"Well. All his stuff is down in the basement."

"What the fuck is it doing there?"

"Well, it looked like someone had thrown it down the garbage chute but remember, they removed it yesterday and it won't be back until tomorrow because they are getting a new one. Well, I forgot too and I threw my garbage down the chute but when I heard it hit the floor, I remembered. So I went down to pick it up and there was your partner's things, including that backpack. So I thought you guys had got into a fight and you threw it out."

"I'm not fucking twelve. I wouldn't throw out his things."

"Umm, ok, well, I guess I better go then."

I stand completely still as he leaves and try to process what I have just been told but fucking a, what does this mean? How had Justin's things got into the trash. As I thought this, the answer dawned on me and I felt tears well in my eyes and I made no move to stop them as they started leaking down my face.

I had forgotten all about Todd until he gently put his hand on my arm, and with tears rolling down my face, I looked at him questioningly.

"Do you want me to go down and check?"

I know, but this accepting nature I have found in Todd; that I have just found a friend and so I answer him through my tears.

"Yes, and…"

I break off unable to continue, my emotional pain overriding the physical for a moment.

"If it is his I'll bring it up, don't worry."

I watch him leave through the still open door, thankful once again that he is here. In my mind I know what it means if his stuff is in the trash, but what I don't understand is why? Why would he feel the need to end things? To end not only our relationship but also his life and I know for some reason, that is what it means if he has thrown all his stuff in the trash.

I just can't get my mind around why. He has so much to live for. Is it something about this new guy? Was it something I did? Why does he think it will be better if he is dead?

I mean I know that what has happened between us hurt him but is that the reason for this decision?

So many questions are swirling around in my head and I can't come to grips with any of them but the biggest question is the one that worries me the most. Has he already done it? Is he already dead? I can't swallow when my mind asks this question the first time and the second time it swirls back around, I am finding it hard to breathe.

Then that voice is back telling me that I still have time, that I just have to find him before it is too late. And I have to believe this because, even though it seems unlikely that he would still be alive; if he is not, there is no hope for the world…or at least not my world.

This conviction that spread through me gives rise to other questions. Questions that I need to answer in order to find him in time. Questions such as 'How would Justin kill himself? And where would he do it?'

As these thoughts race around my head, I hear someone coming up the stairs and again hope that it is Justin but it is just Todd coming back up and he is holding two trash bags and a backpack that I know right away is Justin's. He sets the stuff down and then steps up to me and hands me something. I look down and see what he has placed in my hand, it is Justin's wallet and I look back up at him in question.

"I found that in the back pack. The stuff is Justin's."

"I knew it was Justin's stuff when I saw the backpack."

I realize I have said this a little shortly and am about to apologize because how would Todd know this, when Todd stops me.

"I understand…."

He hesitates but I know he has something else he wants to say so I wait, still trying to figure everything out in my head.

"Where do you think he would have gone?"

When Todd asks the question that has been floating around in my mind, without any preamble, as if he too just intuitively knows what Justin has planned or worse yet, has done…no I can't think that…something starts nagging in my mind, telling me I know where Justin has gone.

Even as the voice in my head is telling me I know, I can't think of what it is I know. I am racking my brain trying to figure it out when my thoughts are again interrupted by Todd.

"Well, I guess he would go somewhere he would find peaceful or something, right?"

As his words sink in I find myself wanting to kiss the man for how insightful he is, when his thought made him figure out what I should have already known. Justin would go to our spot, a place that I have gone to for peace for years and when I met Justin, I showed it to him. He is the only person I had ever brought there and I know he loves it there as much as I do. 

I am so excited and I literally shout out my revelation.

"I know where he is!"


	3. The Question...Answered

  
Author's notes: Thanks a million to my beta Lois  


* * *

Brian Continued

“Really?”

Todd’s voice was hopeful, not as hopeful as I am but hopeful none that less, and that’s when I realized just how much everyone liked Justin. All of Liberty Ave. knows me as the legend, the stud, the asshole and many worship me and want me, but just as many like Justin just because of who he is. He is a nice genuine person who would do anything for others, even for a stranger and that shows and makes everyone like him.

“Yes.”

As I say this I am walking out the door, well more like shuffling, because even though my worry for Justin has pushed my pain to the back of my mind, I am still in a considerable amount of it. But I have to thank my father for my ability to go on through out my pain, as I had to do so many times as a child when he would beat me and I had to hide it from everyone while pretending nothing was wrong.

I get on the elevator by myself and wait while Todd locks up the loft before we can go but soon he joins me and we start our descent.

Maneuvering out of the building was a little harder than just walking around had been, so once again Todd had to help me with his arm around my waist but this time I barely noticed it; so intent on getting to Justin, any indignity was pushed far from my mind. When we finally made it into the Jeep, Todd looked at me questioningly and it took me a second to realize what he wanted. Once I realized, I gave him the directions he was seeking,

“Take the highway towards the edge of town and then get on the road the old bowling alley was on. I’ll give you more directions when we get there.”

Todd said nothing and just pointed the Jeep in the direction I indicated. We sat in silence for a while as I contemplated what I would do when I found Justin, what I would say to him to make this better. Because I refused to believe that I would not find him in time. I had too have that hope, it was the only thing that was keeping me going.

‘Could I finally do it? Could I finally say the words he needed to hear?’ There is no doubt in my mind that I did love him but for some reason I just could never say the words to him. I have always wondered why it is I could say the words to others, like Mikey and Lindz but I couldn’t say the words to the one person I loved most…well, except maybe Gus.

I am also sitting here wondering why he needed to hear the words. Before he always just knew but lately it is like he has forgotten how to ‘read’ me, a talent that he had from the night we met. I know when he stopped ‘reading’ me, but I hate to admit it even to myself but after the prom he could never do it anymore. 

Before that night I had the best of worlds because not only did he love me, but he knew I loved him without me having to say anything. But as soon as he got out of the hospital I noticed that little things that never bothered him before were a big deal now. Things that are just a part of who I am, the man he fell in love with. 

At least that was what he used to say before the prom when I asked him why he put up with me, I was acting like it was a sarcastic question at the time but we both knew I was dead serious about it. I couldn’t understand how he could love me when I sometimes went out of my way to hurt him; but he had an answer for me that shut me up and smothered some of my ever present insecurities. He always said that he had fallen in love with me, not what he could change me into.

But after he moved in with me, once he got out of the hospital, the same things that never seemed to bother him seemed to drive him crazy…or to tears. I couldn’t understand the change, and although I knew I loved him, I wouldn’t change who I was to please him.

I am startled out of my pensive mood by Todd’s voice.

“Why do you think…umm he would…”

His voice fumbles over the words and immediately I want to tell him it’s none of his business because I know to tell the truth would be to lay a lot of the blame at my own feet. So I don’t say anything; I just look at him questioningly like I don’t know what he is trying to say.

“Do you think it’s because of what that prick did?”

Again I know exactly what he is talking about, all of Liberty Ave. knows about Chris Hobbs and it has made Justin Liberty’s little darling and where as I would like to lay all of this at Chris’ feet I know I can’t. Not that I don’t think what he did has a part in what is going on, but I know a lot of other people helped push Justin closer to the edge, including myself and that is the hardest pill to swallow.

I was supposed to protect him and again I have failed and what’s worse, is this time it wasn’t a split second act of violence but something, that when I look back on it now, was coming for months. Justin had just needed another little push and instead I gave him a heartfelt shove, sending him headlong into a dark place I remember being myself. Then, I had Mikey to save me and he did and just that thought gives me more hope that I will be able to do just that for Justin.

Out of the corner of my eye I see Todd looking at me every couple of seconds and I realize he expects me to answer his question so I open my mouth to tell him to mind his own fucking business.

“I think that has something to do with it but Justin has been through so much in the last two years and…well I think it culminated today with a fight we had.”

Well, shit that wasn’t what I mean to say but fuck it it’s out there now. Todd is looking at me a little shocked and I realize he really didn’t expect me to let him in anymore than I had, but oh well.

“What kind of fight? If you don’t mind me asking?”

Wow, Todd has balls, I never knew that. I don’t think I know anyone else who would ask me that question especially in the mood I am in. Well, he has done it and still is doing a lot for me today, I guess I could talk to him, it might make this ride go by faster and keep my mind off Justin’s fate.

“If this is ever repeated I promise to personally kill you.”

I feel as though I can trust him but I can’t be too sure, so a well place death threat should work. Todd looks only slightly frightened, but it will work.

“Ok.”

“Well, Mikey…”

“Oh, of course Mikey.”

At first I am pissed that he cut me off but then I am weirded out by what he said.

“What the fuck?”

I know my voice is angry and sharp but Mikey is my best friend, plus I don’t get why he said that.

“Oh, Brian I know you’re not really aware but a lot, and I do mean a lot, of the problems that have happened between you and Justin have started at your ‘best friend’s’ feet.”

I stop myself from automatically defending Michael because as much as I hate to admit it even to myself, he is right. And that’s not the problem that needs to be dealt with right now, although I know it needs to be dealt with instead of ignored like I have in the past.

“Ok, that is besides that point and if you want to hear this, stop fucking interrupting me.”

“Ok.”

“So again, Mikey informed me that Justin was cheating on me.”

“How the hell could he cheat, you both slept with the entire city?”

“Thanks for fucking interrupting yet again.”

“Well?”

I am so irritated right now but I know I am going to tell him because…I need to tell someone. I grunt and continue on.

So I am telling him about the rules and about this guy that Justin has been seeing, not that I know anything about him, just that he exists. And then I fill him in on the fight…if that that’s what I should call it, that we had. I watch his face while I talk and he switches between watching the road and me. When I am done talking, I stop and wait for him to run me down for how I treated Justin, but he again surprises me with what he says.

“So, what do you want?”

“What do you mean?”

Nobody ever really cares what I want, just what they want and what I can do for them, nobody but Justin.

“What do you want to happen between you and Justin?”

As he is asking this, I notice where we are and know I have to give him directions cause now we’re close to where I think Justin is.

“See that right up there? Take that and then the first driveway on the left is it.”

“Ok, but now answer my question; you’re not going to distract me.”

My immediate response to that is anger, but I don’t yell as I normally would because I know I have to figure that out myself.

All of a sudden when we hit the driveway, the answer comes to me out of no where.

“Everything. I want everything with Justin.”

Todd grins at me when he hears this but the smile quickly fades as we reach our destination and he stops the Jeep.

The Jeep is off and we are both jumping out like the devil is chasing us; both of us moving towards what is the only logically spot, the bridge where me and Justin have stood countless times, our arms wrapped around each other, staring at the water raging beneath us.

Todd reaches the bridge seconds before me and is looking around frantically. As I reach him he starts calling out to Justin and I quickly join him as we split up to search.

As the minutes pass and we can find no sign of Justin, I notice my stride becoming shorter and my whole body start to feel like it weighs a ton. My throat is hurting from screaming for Justin so I stop screaming and now I am calling his name in a tearful plea, but there is still nothing and I feel all hope leave me.

I am in the middle of the bridge again and I look down at the water, a sight that in the past has always brought me peace but now it seems to be the bringer of my nightmares. I can’t hold myself up anymore, all the strength to fight the pain, both physical and emotional, is gone and I slide down the slates of the bridge and just stare off into the distance.

I know that I have come to the right spot for I can still feel Justin in this place and as I looked at the water from between the slates, I wonder if I will ever smile again.

Will I ever be able to get through a moment when Justin isn’t the first thing on my mind? Will looking at Gus and remembering how my Justin and Gus loved each other crumble what’s left of me? What is left of me?

I wanna curl into a ball and die without Justin and that’s when I realize I have laid down the floor of the bridge and curled into a fetal position. The tears that were running down my face have become sobs and my whole body is shaking from their force.

‘I can’t handle it. He can’t be gone. Oh, God this is all my fault. What am I going to do without him? Please, I am so sorry. I need him. I love him so much. If it weren’t…’

My thoughts are cut off when I hear something through my sobs. 

“Brian, Brian ? Brian, over here.”

It’s Todd’s voice that has cut through my heartbreak and although I hear his voice, what he is saying doesn’t register through my grief.

“Brian, come over here, I think I found something.”

‘What the fuck, why won’t he leave me alone. I don’t care what he found, I just want to stay in this spot and die a little more inside each second without Justin.’ 

“Brian, move your fucking ass, I think I see Justin.”

The sound of Justin’s name has me on my feet and running towards where Todd’s voice seems to be coming from. As I get further away from the bridge I still can’t see where Todd is so I call out to him, the hope that I once again feel, evident in my voice.

“Where are you Todd? Do you see Justin?”

“Over here Brian. I see something but I’m not sure what it is.”

As I come abreast of Todd, he points down a rough embankment in front of him and I see something caught in a downed tree within the raging flow of water. Before it even registers in my mind, I am crawling down, sometimes on my hands and knees and sometimes just sliding on my butt, not caring about the damage I am doing to my ‘precious’ designer clothes because something far more precious is at the end of my journey, I hope.

About three quarters of the way down, the mud beneath me gives way and I am tumbling towards the raging water at an alarming rate. I flip myself around and start trying to grab onto anything to stop my descent.

Todd is above me screaming at me like that is going to help and I am afraid that now I won’t be able to get to where I am sure Justin is because I am going to need rescuing myself.

Finally I shove my right hand deep into the mud and it catches onto a root. I come to a abrupt halt with legs already in the water.

“Fuck Brian, are you ok?”

I scramble to a better position before I answer him because I want to see how much further I have to go before I can get to that tree. When I see the tree again, I am at a better angle than we could get up there. I again see the thing we could see up there but this time I can also see the blond hair that goes along with it.

Fuck, it is him!

“Justin, Justin, can you hear me, Justin?”

There is no answer and dread fills me.

“Is it really him?”

Todd’s voice is really starting to grate on my nerves but I don’t say anything about it because I know it’s just because it isn’t the voice I want to hear.

“Yes, call the rescue squad.”

I try to figure out if I can get closer while calling to Justin some more, hoping against hope he will answer me.

“Justin, I’m right here. I’m going to figure out how to get you out of there, don’t worry.”

I stop my continual shifting closer when I hear a small voice and excitement washes through me because although I have no idea what he said and his voice sounds very weak, I know it is Justin’s voice. I would know his voice anywhere.

“What did you say baby? I couldn’t hear you.”

I hear his voice again but this time his words cause my heart to break even further.

“Go away Brian, I don’t want you here. I just want to die.”

Justin

I hit the water and how cold it is automatically makes my lungs clench and the pain of the drop is excruciating. I wonder if this was a good choice of a way to die, it certainly isn’t instantaneous.

The water is pulling me every which way and slamming me against everything. I hit a very big rock and can feel bones break and my mouth automatically opens to scream but it fills with water instead. That was the moment I realized I was holding my breath, when the water started choking me.

I am spun around and around for what seems like hours but is only a few minutes. My lungs are filling with water and body is being battered from all sides. And suddenly I crash against something hard. It is big and as the water keeps pushing me, trying to force my body through the object, all it manages to do is tangle me into the object further.

I try to look around me and I realize I am stuck in a tree that has fallen in the river. I try to pull myself out of it but the weight of the water pushing down on me and several obviously broken bones prevent my escape.

I keep going in and out of consciousness and every time I wake up, I try to free myself but I’m unable to, so finally I stop. I know I will die eventually so I guess this will just be a real slow way of doing it.

The passage of time means nothing to me through a haze of pain and depression. I wake up once again but this time I hear voices calling out to me. One voice I recognize immediately as Brian but the other, while familiar, I can not place.

I do nothing to attract attention to myself hoping that they will leave and let me die in peace. After a while Brian’s screams become pleas and my heart aches with the need to answer him but still I don’t. No matter what, I know where I stand and I can’t live with that.

Suddenly I hear the other voice call out to Brian a bunch of times from close to me and I know I have been spotted. I can’t move my body to see where they are, although I wouldn’t even if I could, because I am still hoping that they will leave me alone.

When I wake up again from obviously having blacked out, again I hear Brian speaking to me from alarmingly close. He is begging me to talk, telling me he will save me and I can’t tell if he will be able to, so I resign myself to having to speak to him so he will leave me alone.

“Go away Brian, I don’t want you here. I just want to die.”

Brian

I can’t believe the words although I know that’s how he feels. I guess I just though that when I was here to save him, he would know that I loved him and then he wouldn’t want to die anymore. Stupid, huh?

I know I need to get to him and convince him he has so much to live for, not to mention I am so afraid that the water will pick up intensity and sweep him away. I crawl a couple of inches closer to the tree and then struggle to my feet.

“The rescue squad will be here in about ten minutes Brian.”

Shit, that is the best news I’ve heard all day and again I am thankful for Todd, but I give no further thought to him as I see my only chance to get to Justin.

I put all my power into my legs and jump.

For the second that I am in the air I’m so fucking scared that I won’t make it, but when I hit the water and quickly grab onto the tree, I know I did the right thing. I drag myself down the trunk of the tree towards Justin using all my strength to not be slammed against the tree myself.

It takes me a few minutes to get myself to him but once I am there, I almost wish I had stayed on the shore to wait for the rescue squad. Justin is covered in blood. Even his head. Even that spot on his head and I almost lose my grip as memories of the prom assault me.

But what is worse than that is Justin’s eyes, they are so dead, there is no sparkle in them. That sparkle that told of his laughter, his love of life, and his love for me. It is completely gone and I know I have to say something to fix it and I am terrified that I won’t be able to come up with the right thing to say. I make my living on words, on selling things with my words but now I have to find the right words to sell, me.

He locks eyes with me and I know I just have to stop being a coward and do it. I need to tell him exactly how I feel.

“Justin, God Justin, I love you.”

Justin

He gets to me, I should have known he wouldn’t just go away. He is looking in my eyes and although I would like nothing better than to look away or at least close my eyes against the pain so clearly visible in his, I don’t, I can’t. The hold he has on me is as strong as ever and I know my chance at death, at freedom from pain, has passed.

For a few minutes he just looks into my eyes, noticeably fighting an internal battle when he says the words I have been longing to hear.

“Justin, God Justin, I love you.”

But is this the truth or is he pitying me for what I tried to do. That must be it, he pities me and that realization allows me to close my eyes to block him out.

I hear him begging me to look at him but I don’t, because I don’t want his pity.

Brian

As soon as I tell him I love him he closes his eyes, shutting me out and I know that he thinks that I am only telling him this because he tried to kill himself. I beg him to open his eyes but they remain closed and I know I must forge on.

“I know that I have never said those words to you, hell I have said I don’t believe in it and maybe at some point I actually believed that, but I haven’t in such a long time. I think I loved you that first night although I am not sure but I know I loved you after the KIP Thomas thing.”

When I say that he opens his eyes in surprise.

“What? How did you know about that?”

He sounds more like himself and I know I am on the right track and at least he is listening to me, so I keep going.

“Does that really matter? The point is I found out right after you did it and I figured you would use it against me. I mean you had saved my ass, I owed you.”

“I would never do that.”

“I know, I get that now but anyone else, well they wouldn’t have done it in the first place but if they had, they would have used it against me. I even asked you about it and you didn’t tell me and then I knew I loved you. You were so kind to me even when I wasn’t to you. You helped me with so many other things too, like giving up my rights to Gus and you never threw anything back in my face.”

“Brian, of course I helped you. I love you.”

“I know, I got that then and it made my feelings for you safer but I was still so scared, scared that I wasn’t suppose to be happy, scared that you would find the flaw in me everyone else sees and you wouldn’t love me anymore. So the more I loved you the more I wanted you to go away, even though I didn’t want you to go at all.”

“Oh Brian. There is nothing wrong with you, your parents were just fucked up.”

“See Justin, even now when you’re in so much pain, emotional and physical, all you’re thinking about is me. But I don’t want you to go Justin. Please please, tell me you will give me another chance. I will try so hard, I promise to talk to you about what’s bothering me like you always ask me to. And other stuff too.”

“And other stuff?”

Shit, I knew he wasn’t going to make this easy, but why should he, I never make anything easy for him. I go to open my mouth to answer him when I become aware of lots of noise and I look up and realize that the rescue squad is on the way down to us.

“The rescue squad is coming Justin, we will continue this conversation at the hospital where we can have some privacy, ok?”

“Wait Brian, just one question.”

“What, baby?”

“Is this the ending or the beginning?”

“It will never be the end, baby.”

 

AN: Ok, that’s it. The end, no matter what Brian says. LOL. Reviews are welcomed, craved, hell they’re begged for.


End file.
